Raising Grandkids:
How Love Plus Science Can Heal Childhood Trauma
Gary Garrison
“Love is all you need.”
That’s what the Beatles
said, and that’s what
many people think
about raising children.
For traumatized
children especially,
love is necessary but
not nearly enough.
I met and interviewed dozens of
grandparents who raised grandkids
when I wrote my book, Raising
Grandkids: Inside Skipped-
Generation Families. I was awestruck
at the depth and breadth of the love
they had for those kids. Many of
them sacrifi ced their retirements,
their social lives, their life savings,
and their health to give grandkids the
love that the kids’ parents couldn’t or
wouldn’t. It wasn’t until I participated
in the Traumatic Attachment Group
(TAG) program at CASA Child,
Adolescent and Family Mental Health
in Edmonton that I understood what
these kids need besides love to succeed
in life.
In TAG, child psychiatrist Dr.
Andrew Bremness devoted about half
the time to educate caregivers about
the latest research in neuroscience and
child psychiatry. It’s a totally diff erent
scene now from when I raised my
own kids thirty years ago. He told us
that all the eight- to twelve-year-olds
enrolled in TAG experienced trauma.
Some may have lived in war zones,
been abused, or were neglected. What
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they all had in common was that
their relationship with their primary
caregivers, their biological parents,
was severed. That in itself, he said,
is a trauma in the same category as
combat fatigue or what used to be
called ‘shell shock.’
Post-traumatic stress disorder
(PTSD) is common in war. A fl ash
of light or a loud noise may trigger
people back to the traumatic event. In
an adult, trauma injures the brain; in
a child, the injury changes the growing
brain’s development. For this reason,
international leader in child psychiatry
Dr. Bruce Perry says trauma’s “impact
is actually far greater on children than
it is on adults.”
Dr. Bremness’s teaching is always
connected to the recent personal
experience of people in the group. For
example, he would start by asking,
“Who’s had something happen this
week that they really need to share
with the group?” A woman might
respond, “Trish and I were driving
downtown last Saturday. She was
upset because I wouldn’t buy her a
glittery pair of pink shoes. When we
stopped, she just opened the door into
traffi c and ran away! I had to park the
car and guess where she went. It took
me half an hour to fi nd her!”
Dr. Bremness would note that Trish
had received a phone call from her
estranged biological mother a few days
before and suggest that something
had happened to pull her back into
the unsafe place where she used to live
with her mother. Like a soldier with
PTSD, she was triggered back into her
trauma. Then he would ask, “Does this
sound familiar to anybody else?”
A grandmother might say, “Andy
and I were walking through the park,
and he saw his mom sitting nearby.
He hadn’t seen her for months.
Because of the Emergency Protection
Order she’s not allowed near him, but
that doesn’t apply in public places.
When I got him home, his whole body
was shaking. He held onto me and
wouldn’t let go. Hours later, I put him
to bed, sobbing. He only settled down
when I laid down next to him. It took
him an hour to go to sleep.”
Dr. Bremness would ask her how
old she thought Andy was emotionally
that night, and she’d guess between
four and six months, because he was