2019 Writing Contest
CONFESSIONS OF A CLASSROOM CLOWN: SECOND PLACE
First Day of Junior High
Linda Hatfield
“ … so, you’ll want to be on time,
or you will have to serve a late
detention that same day.”
“Missus Hill — what’s your
name, again?”
“Ms. Hilton. And yours is Alex,
right?”
“Right. Ms. Hilltop. What if you
have soccer practice that day?”
“That’s Hilton, Alex, not
Hilltop. Then you would serve
your detention the next day.”
“But what if the next day is
Saturday?”
“Then you would serve it on the
Monday, after the weekend.”
“But what if that weekend it was
your Grandma’s birthday, and you
had to go to a big party and you got
home really late so you felt sick and
slept in and weren’t at school on
Monday?”
“Then you would serve it the first
day you were back at school.”
“But what if you were late that
day, too?”
“Well, then you’d have two
detentions.”
“On the same day? Or two
different days? What if you had
soccer practice on one of those
days?”
“We’ve been over this, Alex.
Now, let’s — ”
“But if you did have two
detentions — would you have
to serve them on the same day?
Because that would mean I
couldn’t look after my brother and
then my mom’d have to call a sitter
and she doesn’t like it when that
happens.”
“Well, what if you were just on
time, then?”
“Then I wouldn’t have a late
detention?”
“Exactly. Now — Let’s move on.
At this school, we believe students
need to dress respectfully, so we
have a dress code. If you turn to
page seventeen of your agenda,
you’ll see that students are not
allowed to wear muscle shirts, or
spaghetti straps — ”
“Um, Ms. Hilton?”
“Yes, Alex?”
“What about linguini straps?
Can you wear linguini straps?”
“No thin straps — nothing that
lets your bra show. In fact, we
don’t want to see any underwear
at all. So, boys, your pants need
to be hiked up and cover your
underwear, and girls, no bra straps
showing and — ”
“Ms. Hilton? What if you don’t
even wear a bra yet? I mean, some
of these girls — ”
“ALEX! We don’t need to worry
about who DOES and who DOES
NOT wear a bra. As I was saying — ”
“Sorry Ms. H. — didn’t mean to
get all up in your grill.”
“My grill? Is that a euphemism
for something? Just what are we
talking about here, Alex?”
“What’s a ‘you-fem-ism’? Is that
some sort of lady’s rights thing?”
“No, Alex. A euphemism is an
expression that is used in place of
something rude or offensive. For
example, if you used the word ‘grill’
because what you meant to say was
something insulting or crude.”
“No way, Ms. H.! I just meant —
well, you know, I didn’t want to get
you all riled up, you know?”
“Okay. Well, that’s good. And
let’s remember, my name is Ms.
Hilton. Now — where were we?
Olivia? Can you remember what we
were discussing?”
“Um, something about bra straps
and linguini?”
“The dress code, yes! We were
going over some of the rules and —
Yes, Alex?”
“All this talk about spaghetti ’n’
stuff has got me thinking about
lunch, Ms. Hilton. What time is
lunch?”
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